Secrets of Cheap Inspectors Revealed!!!

Note: the following is a fictitious letter sent by a Cheap Inspector to his new client.

INEXPENSIVE INSPECTIONS COMPANY
The Leader in Low Prices
123 Blow-Off Blvd.
Gone With The Wind, NY 00000

Dear Cherished Client,

Thank you for hiring our firm. We look forward to saving you a lot of money compared with all the other inspection firms who submitted quotes.

As for your inquiry as to how we can charge so much less than everyone else, I welcome this opportunity to explain how we operate. Unlike many of our competitors, we don’t believe in paying top dollar to our employees. There are so many want-to-be inspectors looking for work these days, it’s pretty easy to find some desperate enough to work for far less than they’re worth. If they start complaining, we just get rid of them and find replacements in a few days. Most of the work required for your inspection can be performed by inspectors with almost no skills. In fact if you care to you can do some of the inspection yourself. If you do, I can save you even more money. If anything complicated does arise, that’s what I’m here for. It may take a few days for me to get around to check your job, but with all the money you’re saving, I’m sure you won’t mind the wait. Please realize attending to your concerns may involve forgoing my usual liquid lunch so make sure it’s important.

Another thing is, we know how to minimize the importance of paperwork and procedures. Most rules and regulations make no sense. For instance, everyone knows that hardly anyone ever gets caught adding a room to their house without a building permit or using unlicensed contractors to do the work. The money we save avoiding addressing these issues gets passed on to you, our valued client. We also save you money and shorten the inspection time by ignoring building standards and codes at every opportunity. Standards do nothing but jack up the price of a home. By allowing sellers to get away with substituting cheaper materials and ignoring proper labor procedures required to meet code, we are able to charge much less than other inspectors who operate by the book.

Insurance is another area where we realize really big savings. Why should we pay for a Fidelity Bond just to give our Clients and Realtors® a little peace of mind and protect them against possible theft while we’re at a residence/site? Our ladder couldn’t possibly fall off the house and hurt someone and we could never damage the house, so why should we pay big bucks for Commercial General Liability Insurance? Regarding that pricey Errors & Omissions Insurance (similar to the kind Realtors®, Brokers, Engineers, Attorneys and other professionals carry), why should we be responsible for something obvious being overlooked and not reported? And why should we pay extra for our insurances to cover the referring Realtor®? At our prices, we get all of their referrals anyway. How many inspections do you hear of where there’s an insurance payoff? Insurance is nothing but money down the drain. If something terrible does go wrong, you can always sue us. What more protection do you need than that?

I’ll let you in on another secret. We cleverly save you money by not paying our bills. Our firm has accounts at about a dozen office supply and inspection tool companies around town, and we never pay for supplies unless we absolutely have to. Most vendors will carry us for 60 to 90 days before they start nagging us about payment. If one of my vendors cuts us off, I simply take my business to the others and go through the same routine. It’s a game that real sharp inspectors, like myself, have refined to an art form. You ought to be proud to have your inspection performed by an artist.

Something else that separates us from the pack is that we’re not hung up on safety concerns. Accidents will happen, so why bother trying to prevent them? Some companies worry more about their inspectors getting hurt than getting the job done fast. Safety equipment and procedures only slow people down, so we don’t use them. This saves you money.

Also, I’m sure that when you called me, you reached an answering machine, not some secretary costing over $20,000 a year. Sorry it took so long for me to get back to you, but that’s the price you pay for saving money.

You may have noticed that our vehicles are run-down, our clothes tattered, our tools are falling apart and you will receive a one page hand written check list report. Our philosophy is to make do with whatever is already paid for, no matter how old, worn or sloppy. That’s another reason we can charge you so much less. Why carry a computer and digital camera? They are expensive and only slow us down, leaving less time to chat with the sellers, agents and neighbors. Also, we are able to save you money because we perform between 15 and 25 inspections per day. We make up the savings passed on to you through the volume concept. Works for Wal-Mart, right? Since we encourage our clients to be present at the inspection you only have to miss 30 minutes of work. Your boss should appreciate this.

We don’t waste money on association dues and frequent educational seminars like our highfaluting competitors. Between costs for memberships in inspector certifying organizations like NACHI™, ESA™, etc. and memberships in the local Realtor® Associations, those guys spend $1500 – $2000 per year. Just to be certified and then hang out at real estate agent meetings. Heck, we didn’t even bother getting licensed. Remember, most rules and regulations make no sense. So why pay to join a national certifying organization which will then require us to inspect to their standards and to abide by their code of ethics? And the prices of their mandatory educational seminars keep going up every year, even though we all know nothing in the inspection business ever changes much. Believe me, I’ve been in the inspection business more than 20 years and I learned everything anyone needs to know in my first 2 years. If it was good enough for my daddy and granddaddy it’s good enough for you. All of these savings are passed along to you, our client.

By the way, did I mention that we guarantee our work? Just make sure you catch what’s wrong before we finish the inspection, because at the prices we charge, we can’t afford any call-backs.
Thank you once again for hiring us to do your inspection. We’re happy to be the low bidder. I’m sure you’ll get your money’s worth.

Sincerely,
Your Cheap Home Inspector

This informational parody has been provided to you by: ALL PRO HOME INSPECTION & HOUSEHOLD ENVIRONMENTAL SERVICES, LTD | 716-772-2548.

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Author of this piece is unknown and was provided to All Pro Home Inspection via email